I hate the rain.....

I hate the rain I really do. Every time it rains I just can't seem to function I can't get out of bed I don't wanna eat, I don't even wanna pee lol its so bad I know. So that mean I have been a bad girl I didn't take my pill yesterday and stood in bed all day and to be honest I'm so sick of it so today I got out of bed and I took my pill. I even tried to work on these bracelets that my man decided to spend money on for one of his get rich schemes. Lord I love him so much to put up with this and since he puts up with my shit I said OK and now this shit is stupid hard. They like gave no instructions for it making it virtually so hard for you to do it so you give up and lose your money but you know what I will do it. I will finish it and more importantly I will do it with my man spending quality time with him.

right now I'm like so flustered and shit because of some shit I found out today. I know I may not be making sense it just that I'm so mad its just flowing out of me so please forgive me today. Theres this lady who I call mom because she really took of care of me after my mommy died. I used to go out with her son when I was really young and to this day we still remain family except of course her daughter. Theres bad blood between us because of plain ole jealousy why I don't know because I have never tried to ever make her feel that way nor has her mother but that's just the way it is and has been for awhile. We have argued, fought but it was nothing until she spoke ill of my deased mother and of my sick sister and said I was a waste of breath and that I should do everyone a favor and kill myself and whats worse how nobody sees how horrible that is to say to anybody I mean really how fucked up is that. Now I'm always viewed as the stubborn bitch who doesn't want to make up but like do you really blame me. Would you ever talk to someone again who said those awful things. Anyway I'm just so angry because how could you be pregnant with a little girl and sit there and wish your mother dead so you can keep the apartment. What kind of human being are you. Are you even human. And the one I really feel bad for is that poor child to be born with a miserable mother who's own mother is scared of her, like come on. But then me I cant have a baby but bitches have babies left and right for all the wrong reasons like this bitch did too. She only got pregnant to keep her man. She kept her pregnancy a secret so her piece of shit man wouldn't make her have another abortion. So now she is having this baby and all they do is fight. That poor baby has like no chance with a mother like that. God forgive I don't mean anybody harm I really really do only wish that baby well. It just makes me mad I have no mom and I have no baby and it hurts to know that this bitch is so ungrateful. when zi hear all theses stories in the news of all these women killing their kids.

see this is why I hate the rain this is what the rain makes me do. just be angry and pissed which is why I like to stay in bed all bad things happen in the rain. I know I'm not mnakiung any sense. My writing is like in scrambles. I'm just so mad or maybe Just miss my mom.............. 

The results are in......

So today was definitely an interesting kinda fun day. I got up late but I still took my morning pill I only missed one day which was Saturday and I got sick that day so now I wonder as I write this if I was sick because I didn't take my med that day or what. Whatever, so I got up took my pill and started to get ready but like always, I have to have music to get ready so I put on some videos and it was Bruno Mars and Travis singing "I wanna be a millionaire" and me and my hunny just blasted it and just started singing at the top of our lungs. It was so good and we even danced alil with Monkee (my first born doggie/son) It was mad funny. Then I went to the ear nose and throat doctor because I have a mass in my neck that hurts so I did a cat scan to see whats up and today was the results. Now mind you I'm mad nervous and have been which is why it took so long to go get the results. I even have nightmares last nite about it, and sure enough he comes in and say OK we got good news and we got bad news. Right away I'm like fuck my life in my head and then he says well the good news is  we don't see nothing it looks benign but bad news is we still don't know what it is and to find out we got to do a biopsy. I'm like great but then when he explained that he only puts in a needle to extract some cells so I was like ok and made an appointment for a month away and then I told him about extracting my tooth and how close it was to my sinus, if he could look at it because now when I drink my nose be feeling like its coming out of my nose so he tried to look but he couldn't get very far in but he said it looks good and we shall see again in a month.

When I leave I decide I wanna go do alil shopping you know so I went to the beauty supply store and bought sum stuff for my hair my hair which I cut off myself at like 3am on Sunday while waiting for my hunny to come home. He really wasn't too please with me because he loves loves long hair and me I love to try different things. My hair is like a short curly bob but it still looks like kinda crazy. My baby says it looks fine but you know how guys are right.  I got some nail polishes, a scarf for my hair and some rollers and this real intensive hair treatment which I'm gonna try tomorrow after my eye appointment tomorrow, because right now I'm hating my hair horribly I just really wanna cut it all off like a pixie cut, but my man said he would leave me. LMAO Yea right he would. In the mean time while I'm still looking for "that cut" I want, I'm going to try to take care of it as best as I can and if that don't work I even saw some wigs I might like lol

My hair is WTF

So I decided to do my hair the day before and I'm so traumatized. I couldn't write yesterday. Lol yeah I laugh now while I'm writing but when I comb my hair or look in the mirror I just wanna cry. Now don't get me wrong I'm really not vain at all seriously but, this is just like the story of my life, because every time I try to do something good for myself it just get worse ugh. Anyway my hair is like blonde blonde. I decided to do blonde because my hair has alot of white hairs and its like a halo around the crown of my head.  I did that like a year ago and I have had mad fun with it. I'm not even gonna front but at the same time that means that I haven't relaxed my hair. Yes unfortunately I do have to because if not I got a fro and I'm sorry but that's just not my style. So I've been getting my hair ready for the relaxer by doing moisturizing treatments for like two weeks and to no avail because as I was washing my hair of the product all I saw was clumps of hair in my hands.

 

My hair in clumps filled this bounty sheet

                                                                                                               
So now I have like these short patches of hair everywhere on my head and every time I touch my hair its still falling out like crazy. I have been trying to do like leave in treatments but I really do think I'm going to have to cut my hair and I'm more pissed if anything else but whatever right?! Maybe this for my new beginning right?! I have started looking at some styles that I'm thinking of doing like a lil bit of theses two styles.

I really like this one alot but I don't think my hair is long enough meaning my short patches

like I love this one alot

I really like the bangs on this one so maybe I can do like long bangs short bangs with the back like the first pic maybe

but I like the bangs on this one

 

But I really think I'm just gonna have to do this one and like layer the front with like some long bangs

but my hair patches are short like styles so I think I may have to do this one

 

I really hope and wish people are reading this so I can get some feedback on this because I'm thinking of doing this cut this weekend.

Now on another note I just wanted to say that I am and have been taking my pill in the mornings again for my thyroid, and I am starting to feel better already. I'm going out for walks now like I'm really started to be more active again and it really does feel good. Monday and Tuesday I have some appointments on Monday, they will give me the results from my cat scan which I have a feeling is bad. I probably gonna have to do the biopsy and then Tues I gotta get my eyes dilated and tested. My eyes have been feeling weird lately so lets see. I really wanna get out of this rut again and just be ME again hopefully.....

I'm back again

OK here I am again. Yes I made it back for another day maybe because I am feeling good today. I have been feeling really bad lately, physically, mentally and most of all emotionally. I guess I should explain, I have no family my mom and father have both passed and my sister is a bitch, and its so sad. I feel like its slowly killing me, so hopefully doing this blog it will help me to see and finally really be able to say "Fuck it" and really mean it, you know what I mean, because my family have done nothing but betray me, use me and now look, where are they?, I mean I could just die and they would not even know about it, and the fight I had with my sister was so big. I'm done. I cant keep trying to make her love me. I did all that I could and now I just have to say fuck it, because I cant keep feeling bad for what?!, right so I have decided that today I am going to do my hair. I am going to try to make the outside match what I am trying to do on the inside. I am 40 and I feel like I'm like 70 sometimes, because I'm always so sick but shit if you you were diabetic and have hypothyroidism and hypertension and rheumatoid arthritis and is always depressed and stressed you would be sick too but I wanna try to change all that. I wanna try to eat healthier and try to start walking more and try to eat properly because I am sick of feeling sick all the time so here goes......

Hi Im attempting this again

OK so I'm attempting this blogging thing again and see if I actually stick to it this time because I really think I need to this time for my sanity, since lately maybe ever since I turned 40 and yes I said it the big 40 I have definitely see things much different and I'm really hoping this will benefit me for the better, like maybe just maybe if I start blogging maybe I can write my thoughts and feelings and if I do that i can really see everything for what they are. I have been stressed almost all my life with everything I have endured and now maybe with my age I just really don't care "You hear I don't Fucking care anymore" lol yeah that did feel good because all my life all I ever did was care for everyone else but me and you know what like I said maybe it was the age or maybe my health issues but I am going to start doing me Me me, so hopefully you wanna come along for the ride give me some feedback or just wanna read..

Let's Do This........